“…be fruitful and multiply…”

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Good Sunday everyone.

I’m sitting here, an hour before I’m going to head off to Sunday Mass, and I started thinking about the pink elephant that lurks right outside my infertility driven mind.

“How do I know when a reproductive technology is morally right?”

The rule of thumb is:

Any procedure which assists marital intercourse in reaching its procreative potential is moral.

Procedures which add a “third party” into the act of conception, or which substitute a laboratory procedure for intercourse, are not acceptable.

Now, I don’t want to label myself “religious” because I don’t feel I am worthy of that title. I came into my faith about 3 years ago before I was getting married, and I would be lying if I said it was because I was truly seeking more from life. It happened because we were planning a church wedding and I needed to complete some steps in order to do so. But while I was traveling that path, I found bliss, and enjoyment of my Sundays at church, so now here we are, 3+ years later, and I do go to church. Every Sunday? No. Do I wish I would go every Sunday, Yes. Why don’t I? Because life happens and I have a lot of things I have to get done. Is that an excuse? no. I KNOW I should make more time for it. And with the holiday season vastly approaching, that is exactly my goal.

I love God. I believe in his power, and his existence. I love what I learned about my religion ( although I am aware many people don’t like the Catholic religion and that is fine, to each their own). I believe with prayer, all things are possible.

A lot of women and men want something to blame for their infertility. I am one of them. But I know there is really no one that we can blame for this pitiful disease. It is something that happens. And wether we are victims of unexplained infertility, medical problem, or a gene mutation like myself, blaming something or someone does not fix our infertility.

Prayer helps us feel like we are doing something to make a difference. like maybe if we pray just hard enough, God can fix this. I know that I feel like that sometimes.

But I have a diagnosed medical condition that proves I have no eggs. It proves that conception for me is obsolete. So if I take what my faith tells me, I will never be a mother.

which is why I choose to do what will ultimately make me the happiest in my god given life. I believe my lord will forgive me for choosing this, even though the text says it’s wrong

 

Sometimes at night when I look up at the ceiling before I fall asleep, I ask God to help us and give us the strength to get through this process. Help our procedures work, help us have this baby. But then, I think to myself, if everything that what we are doing is religiously immoral, why would he help? I don’t know, I’m very wishy washy here. does anyone else ever think this way?

 

Please let me know your views. I am so very interested.

Blessings,

V

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limbo

hello everyone, thank you for coming back for another ramble of mine.

Theres not much to update on, we’re still kind of in that grey limbo area. My husband had his genetic blood work drawn a few weeks ago, and Wednesday the 25th they call us for the phone conference to go over everything, and then to order the cancer marker blood work. Im annoyed they wouldn’t just run it all at once, we know they will want to do that anyway, but regardless, I believe we know which route we will travel, regardless of that part of the blood work…

I think we’re about 90% set on donor eggs and hubby’s sperm. I know how much It means for him to have a genetic connection to our child, and if I’m being transparent, I want that for him too. I know that genetically I cannot have that myself, but I get to carry and grow our sweet baby, my connection will be inevitable, I choose to believe that. There has been so much loss for my sweet husband in his life, that I want this for him, almost more then for myself. I just pray his sperm are capable of getting the job done, which our doctor didn’t say they weren’t. Fingers crossed, and prayers going up.

We…well I…have been endlessly searching the donor egg bank website, looking for ladies that either share some similar physical features as myself, or that I read their profiles and feel a connection. I have earmarked a few and when I can sit with my husband and have him look and really focus, I’ll have him review the ones I like.

After my blood work two weeks ago, it turned out that my Thyroid function was a little sluggish for those attempting to conceive, at 2.53. My office prefers all their PM’s (Perspective Mommas) have a thyroid level of no greater than 2.5, so my RN wanted to retest my level on Thursday. Well that measured a 3.5. WOMP WOMP. what does that mean for me?

Synthroid 25 micrograms, welcome to my life.

I was reassured that a 3.5 was in fact a normal level for anyone, but for PM’s anything above a 2.5 can increase the risk for miscarriage. So synthoird and I will be best friends until I deliver a healthy baby!

This process has been so eye opening, and we have barely even touched the surface. I feel like I read blogs, look at instagrams, search statistics, and while everyone is at a different place in their journey, they all share one common thing; Unknown.jpeg

Hope

And while I’m so impatient and just want our turn to start already, I feel so blessed to be able to just press a few buttons, and become more prepared for everything we have in store because of every single one of you ladies in this club, that none of us ever thought we would be a part of.

I know this blog post has been all over the place, but it was just a few thoughts that were bouncing around in my brain today, and I thought it would be a good idea to get them out. after all, that’s what I stated this little blog for anyway, right?

 

I’m off to mop the floor, sip some tea, and try to relax a little.

Peace & Blessings

xox, V

a slight turn in our path

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good evening sister friends. I pray you’re all doing well.

So if you are reading today because you saw my Instagram post about my delicious breakfast this morning (if you want to see that picture head over to @thehopefulmama_ on Instagram ;-]) then you know what I’ll be talking about this post.

So last Thursday, I had my appointment with the nutritionist at my RE’s office, because they place all there perspective mama’s on a gluten-free/dairy-free diet. So the nutritionist was lovely, she really helped to explain the reasoning behind this diet change for women trying to conceive, or women battling infertility.

So a little background on gluten (again, I am not a professional, this is just my understanding) Gluten is a general name for  proteins that are found in wheat, all different kinds of wheat, so make sure you look up the numerous forms. Gluten helps food hold it’s shape by acting like a GLUE. That is SO important In understanding why it’s bad for our bodies. If gluten is essentially a glue, when we eat and digest this, it wreaks havoc on on gut, then our bodies go into overdrive, trying to heal. This triggers inflammation, which is your body’s acute response to injury. Now imagine you are eating unbiasedly throughout the day. Gluten consumption is happening almost always, as there is gluten is so many day to day foods, and snacks. Your body is CONSTANTLY in a state of CHRONIC INFLAMMATION. Sounds pretty shitty huh. It’s shitty of everything, including your reproductive system. ( see this website http://kellybroganmd.com/gluten-got-baby-gluten-causing-infertility/ for a good read)

Now dairy.

So a while back, there were a bunch of documentaries published on Netflix, all about the dangers of food, and how basically everything we eat is a poison. I fell into the dark whole of food docs and after watching them all I cut out all dairy from my diet for a good 6 months. Don’t ask me why I went back, I couldn’t tell you a good reason. Thinking back it’s probably because of my love for ice cream and cheese. thats why this dairy free portion is harder then the gluten one for me.

So why is dairy bad for us, fertility wise?

if you look at the components of dairy, even the organic ones, dairy is made up of lactose which is a sugar, and casein, which is a protein. Many people whether they realize it or not, have a sensitivity to one or both of those crucial dairy elements. Now, if you have a sensitivity, you are going to again be putting your body into a chronic state of inflammation, because your beloved body is trying to heal you from the damage the dairy is doing to you. But also, think about how dairy is processed to get into that container in your fridge. Even the organic milk is pumped from a cow, who if healthy, has a resting body temperature of 101.5 degrees Fahrenheit,  into plastic tubing, that hot milk leaches the toxins from the plastic, and creates a creamy poison that we are consuming in a variety of ways. Those toxins are proven to cause infertility in men and women. (for a great read, check out https://www.tomakeamommy.com/milk-not-fertility-super-food-dairy-might-hurting-attempts-conceive )

So, needless to say, I’ve been gluten free and dairy free for almost one week now. Do I feel different yet? I’m not sure. I’ll keep you updated on that though.

what does this mean for that weight watchers journey I was on?

oh yea, I bet you forgot about that one, well, I was still on it. I’ll be honest though, after we got back from our Mexican vacation, it was tough to get back on it. I was riding the struggle bus HARD. I had a small gain after vacation, and have yet to loose that. It’s been a month …eek.

But I’m still doing my best to track on GF/DF but I find it’s much easier to go over points because I’m trying to eat more frequently. But I’m trucking along here..

Im going to cut out of here for now, gotta go fold the laundry and be a wife for a little while. I’ll talk to you all soon.

blessings and baby dust all around

xox, v

And we’re making moves people

Hi Hi Hi Hi

I hope you have all had a WONDERFUL weekend full of joy, fun, and memories to last a lifetime.

my last week has been eventful in the sense that we are officially making moves in our journey. Well, taking the steps to start making the moves. But you know what they say

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and small steps is how we will take this, because too much action is too much for my sweet husband.

Wednesday was our official first appointment with RMA of NJ. It was a 4 hour appointment that consisted of a reviewing medical history with our doctor and nurse practitioner, whom both of which I LOVE, then an internal examination, then we met with the 3rd party reproduction nurse coordinator who went over the different options we have, then financial counselor, and lastly we met with our social worker/counselor who, as she likes to explain, is just there for help and support and to listen to us screaming and crying if we need to. To sum up our experience at this clinic I can use one word.

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From the moment we sat down with our Nurse to review our medical history, she was so warm and understanding. We voiced our concerns about our options, hubby’s familial history, and his potential male factor, and she immediately elevated them. She said that just because my husband has “few, and not the best quality sperm, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have any good ones” She immediately suggested that we have his frozen sperm report from 2009 and 2011 when he banked from before and after his radiation treatment, sent over to RMA, and they could evaluate it for potential use. “you only need one per egg, I think it’s worth a shot to check them our” is what she said. She also suggested a full genetic work up on him to see if he was a carrier for any cancer related genes due to his familial history.

We went into the exam room, where we met with our doctor, who is a founding member of the practice, an ultrasound tech who was there to guide them through using their new machines, and another nurse. During the internal which all of my TTC sisters know, is anything but pleasant, even with my husband, and essentially 4 strangers there, I felt comfortable. Even with the wand doing it’s thing, pants less and legs up. It was amazing to me and I didn’t even get a little uncomfortable during the process. We joked about my retroverted uterus, how the contrast made it look like a hurricane was happening in my ovaries, and Doc even explained to me that the reason I have more uncomfortable periods lately is because my uterus is slowly attaching to the muscles of my abdomen (meh) which he said is more of a pain for me, then an issue for pregnancy.

When we finished the exam, I sat up on the table still with my paper blanket on my lap, and we just chatted with the doctor about the process. He said “you’re going to do great” and that was the moment I knew that this was where I was meant to be. In my relatively short time in the infertility world, I have met two other REs, and both of them were scientific, disconnected, and mechanical. Dr. B, as I’ll call him here, saw me as a future momma, who just needed him to bridge the gap between me and my sweet baby. My husband asked him if he could know how many children we would or could have at the time of the transfer. Dr. B told him that he controls how many embryos are implanted, and he made a joke, “I wouldn’t implant twins. I want you to stay married!” my husband liked him from that moment on.

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So our next stop was to meet with the 3rd party reproduction nurse who was going go over the different options we had. These were what she presented:

fresh anonymous donor

fresh known donor

frozen anonymous donor

^^all the above would be fertilized with my husband’s sperm if we find that that is an option. if we find that hubby’s swimmers are not going to work out for us, then we would go with embryo donation. He will complete a series of genetic profiling to determine this.

This nurse was wonderful as well. She is who I’ll be in closest contact with during our procedures, and she is so knowledgeable and willing to listen to our concerns. I just love her.

So next came the hardest part in my opinion. The financials. Now I’ve said before, our insurance is horse shit. they cover NOTHING. So this is unfortunately something that dictates our decision heavily. Ranging from just over $9,000 for embryo donation and the FET, to over $48,000 for a fresh anonymous donor cycle and transfer, we are choosing to go the route of frozen, anonymous egg donor, and, god willing, my husband’s sperm. That is ranging in at about $21,000 not including medications.

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If we find, like I said before, that we cannot, or should not, use my husband’s sperm, then  we will go through the embryo donation program. The program is definitely more cost effective, but there is a 1 year waiting list for PGS tested embryos.

Either way, I know what happens is meant to happen. I truly believe that.

Our last stop of the day was with the counselor, she was great also. She touched on so much with us. Of course we gave her our background, our hopes, desires, and then she touched on the things that were right under the surface, that she knew no one liked to talk about.

Genetics.

Now, as I had said before, my dream of a genetic child has come and gone, I know that that is a non-option for me due to my POF. But my husband, well, like I touched on before, is not ready to give that up, and I get it. I do.

She spoke about epigenetic (the idea that a carrying mother has an effect on the growing baby more then the “genetics” in some cases) but then she got the nail right on the head “But that doesn’t effect Dad, does it?” She said that almost all the couples she meets with that encounters male factor infertility pose the problem that Dad feels like he may not have a bond with the child. In embryo donation, mom and dad don’t share genes with the growing baby in moms belly, but mom shares 10 months of gestation, and ‘epigenetic’ she is attached to baby from day one. Dad meets baby, shares nothing essentially with baby, and then he’s supposed to feel the connection. She said its common for dads worry.

That is the exact issue my husband feels about embryo donation. As much as I try to explain it to him that baby is growing in me, but baby will only know him as daddy, he just can’t get past it right now. I think he needs time, but at the same time, I hope we find that we can use his sperm and not have to deal with this issue at all. But what ever the out come is, we will make it work. I know it.

So here we are. 5 days post our appointment. I have since set up my husbands blood work panel, my internal ultrasound to determine my lining thickness too see if we can potentially skip the prep cycle (where they give you estrace and provera to see how you respond) since I’m already using them on the regular to normalize my hormones. and I’ve also set up my dietary counseling session. RMA has a strict dietary program that they make all their momma’s follow. Gluten Free and Dairy free.

I LOVE CHEESE

but I love my baby more.

So that’s how it went. More to come soon!!!

until next time ❤

XOX_logo_med

V

 

 

 

 

 

I wish I had a thrilling title for today’s post.

8df367b46ec14c1c781478add89bddcf.jpgheyyyyy…I’m back…..

I feel like a turd for missing out on 6 weeks on here and Instagram. Truth is, I haven’t found my groove since my aunt went back home to Florida. I find myself with time, but no motivation.

So what’s been happening in our house since my last somber posting… well let’s see.

we went on vacation to Mexico right before Labor Day weekend. Relaxing, beautiful, and much needed as it was, I can’t help but feel guilty. I feel like that $2800.00 vacation could have cushioned our baby fund a bit more, but I know my husband needed that vacation, and truthfully I did too. I wanted to unplug from the summer. My line of work is very overwhelming in the summer, and at the tail end of it I was near close to loosing my marbles. So I feel guilty, but at the same time, I feel refreshed, and I think that had we not went on the vacation, my stress would have been much worse, which in turn would make everything else harder, including our upcoming doctor’s appointment.

Hurricane Harvey hit Houston the week or so before we left for vacation, while we were in Mexico, Irma started creeping along the Caribbean, and Jose and Katia were forming and posing a threat as well. The afternoon we left Mexico, the Earthquake hit. I feel like earth, Mother Nature, and God are all giving us severe signs that we as a population are destroying our home. Natural disasters are at an all time high, and its damn scary. I think about our future and it scares the bejesus out of me. My heart is so heavy with grief for all the people effected by the disasters. In 2012, Hurricane Sandy hit NJ where I live, aside from power loss for a week, we were able to get by with relatively no lasting damage, for that I thank God, but I remember the trauma people I know and love faced dealing with that time. So to know there are millions displaced, hurting, grieving, and struggling…kills me.

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I could not agree with this proverb more.

Now. On to the topic most of you are here to read about.

Wednesday, 9/20 we have our appointment. It’s looming close on the horizon. I AM SO NERVOUS. and I don’t know why. I have had this appointment two other times, with two other doctors, and this time feels SO different. It may be because I’m actually having my husband come with me, which is a lot more solidifying. I feel like after this appointment we are actually really going to decide what the next step is and put a date on it.

im excited

im terrified

I don’t know what I am

Thursday I decided it was time to bring up Embryo Adoption again. He decided it was something he still wasn’t comfortable with. My heart broke a little more. I think because I have come to terms with the fact that a biological child is something I will never have. I was told over 2 years ago that it was not going to happen for me. I get it. But I guess in my husbands heart, he heard that he had problems with his sperm, but true to form of most men (most I know anyway) he only half heard it and figured it would be okay eventually. If only biology worked that way.

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hehe…let me stop ^

When I ask him why not embryo adoption, he says stuff like… It’s weird. it’s not going to be my kid…it won’t look like me….

but then I counter him with “you have mentioned adopting a child though”

his retort is that it’s different. Adoption is saving a child that has no where to go.

I don’t dare bring up the topic of when “life begins” because I’m not in the mood to have that conversation, but I did tell him that it is essentially the same thing, except these children are frozen on ice waiting to be born. He doesn’t see the point of it.

I love him to death, he is my soulmate, truly. But sometimes I don’t believe he understands me fully. But I think that is part of the difference between a man and a woman. When we have these conversations, he says “you just want a baby, you don’t care about anything else, about how I feel” I wish he truly knew how I felt. Yes I want a baby! of course I want a baby!! I wish we could just hop into the sack and make one! I’m sure if it were that simple for us we would have three by now. But it’s not! and I’m looking for our chance every day. We don’t have the luxury of doing it the natural way, which is what I think he fails to realize. Now of course he knows I won’t just get pregnant, he’s not stupid. But sometimes I feel like he thinks that ok we’ll just add an extra step of the doctor and we’ll have a baby! but theres so much more that goes into it honestly and his mind has only just reached the base of the mountain. Every time I try to get him to take his first step up, he thinks I’m being pushy.

so I think to myself, am I being pushy? maybe he’s not ready. But he is ready. He wants a child. he just wants it done his way.

I HOPE that when we see this doctor, he will shed some light on embryo adoption vs ivy with poor quality sperm. help him understand why embryo adoption is not only a more cost effective way (in most cases) but also not something that should be looked on as a last resort. Because it’s not a last resort. I love the idea, I truly do.

I toyed in my mind with the idea of having him watch ThisGatheredNest’s embryo adoption story. It makes my heart swell, and her two precious twins are to die for!! but I don’t know if that will do it for him.

(Watch Angela’s video here -> https://youtu.be/68f_Jnon9Hc)

(follow her on Instagram here -> http://instagram.com/thisgatherednest)

I’m hoping to have another conversation with my husband before our appointment on Wednesday, I told him we need to be on the same page BEFORE we sit down with the doctor because nothing is worse in my opinion than conflicting views and desires in this situation, no one will ever take you serious.

If anyone has any tips on how to bring this up to a spouse, help a sister out and leave them in my comments

Also, if anyone has any recommended questions for me to ask my doctor at this appointment, leave then in the comments also. Anything helps! I always feel like I have a thousand equations but when I get there, I forgot everything!

-MENTAL NOTE, WRITE IT ALL DOWN,V –

Before I sign off, I just want to thank everyone that actually reads my ramblings. Im not sure if there are 5 of you, or 500. but thanks

 

xox, v

 

 

 

a twist I didn’t see coming..

Good afternoon friends, Saturday is here and it’s gloomy. Weather man says it should clear up in the next hour, I hope he’s right, I need some natural Vitamin D, it just brings me such happiness.

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I feel like I’ve been so busy the last few weeks, that I’m really enjoying sitting here on the couch, with my coffee, my fur baby, and Nashville on the TV, and my laptop to help me get my feelings and emotions out to the inter web.

If you read my last blog, you see that my husband and I have an appointment next month with a new, and hopefully our final, RE. Last week we were driving out to celebrate my brother in law’s birthday, and I decided it was a good time to bring up the schedule of our appointment that the coordinator gave me. Hubs was cool with the outline, but he was kind of confused as to why it was going to be a 4 hour appointment, I explained it all to him and he was unphased. I don’t know how men, or at least my man,  can be like that. I feel like infertility and our future family consumes my mind, body, and soul. Every single day all I do is think about it. But he seems like it’s just another thing, like the laundry or cleaning the bathroom. You know it’s there, you know it sucks having to deal with it, but it is what it is and you’ll do it eventually. Nope. Not me. All my google searches, Instagram hashtag searches, Pinterest boards, all infertility related. I’m beginning to think that part of my problem is my obsession with trying to beat this hellish disease.

So anyway, I told him that we need to be on the same page when we have out consultation with our new doctor. The last thing we need is to have conflicting answers to questions. The doctor will think we’re not serious about this, and we are! So I talk to him about what I feel like are our options. I Brought up Embryo Adoption, now mind you, this is NOT the first time I brought this up to him. He acted like he never heard of such a word and asked me what it entails. I explained the process, how people who are lucky enough to be able to use their own eggs and sperm have embryos created, and in the circumstance where they have more then they will ever need to use, they donate them to people like us who can’t or choose not to use their own eggs and sperm. So his response –

“I don’t know how comfortable I am with that”

WOW. HOLD THE PHONE…. I was taken aback. He had never said anything like that before. I said exactly that to him,

“since when? you knew we couldn’t use my eggs, and with your family history, we discussed that it’s probably not a good idea to use your sperm…”

Then he said it. Something I KNEW would eventually be a factor.

“How can I have a kid that will look nothing like me. No one will ever say ‘oh he looks just like your Dad'”

Cue waterworks. well internally anyway. I couldn’t mess up my makeup.

I said to him that I knew he say something like that, but that didn’t change our facts. I Brought up to him something he’s said to me in the past, that really infuriated me because he never would have said it if he did any of his own research. “Why would we spend so much money if theres a chance it won’t work. Why don’t we just adopt” He had nothing to say when I reminded him of that little comment (which ill add, only made me mad because he didn’t bother to research that fact that adoption is in many cases more than IVF treatment, and also isnt always 100% guaranteed to leave you with a child. And on top of that, THE KID WOULDN’T LOOK LIKE HIS DAD ANYWAY!)

*(If your wondering why my husband’s father is a topic of conversation at all, rewind a few blogs, and you’ll read about how he passed away recently due to cancer, which also took my husband’s mother 20 years ago)*

I don’t know if it’s wrong of me to feel hurt by his comment about biology, but I was. Because when I was first diagnosed with POF 2years ago, I had an EXTREMELY hard time dealing with the fact that my body had betrayed me, and I would never have a biologic child. He was as sensitive as I could have expected a man to be about it back then. He didn’t really understand it which may have been my fault for not forcing him to go with me to appointments, so his generic “It’s ok babe, we’ll figure it out, it will be okay” just had to be enough for me, I wasn’t going to get much more. Fast forward to today, where I have come to terms that my child will not share my genes, but I won’t give up on my dream of growing my baby in my belly. No matter what course of treatment we decide on.

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So after that blowing comment, I decided to try to appeal to his instinct to be a good provider. I told him that based on the information I had, embryo adoption was showing to be about $5,000 LESS than the combination of egg donation, sperm donation (or ICSI with his sperm) and that according to the new RE Clinic, there was at least a 6 month wait for prescreened embryos (he is always more comfortable knowing it’s not something that is going to happen RIGHT AWAY).  That made him think a bit, but it didn’t seal the idea of embryo adoption in his mind. So we decided to table the conversation for that night, and we agreed to pick it back up later. On Monday morning I called our new office and told her that we needed a new semen analysis, she gave me the information for the lab and informed me that he should do it before our September appointment so we have all information on that day. His last analysis was a long time ago, and while there are cryopreserved semen from 2009, they were very poor quality.

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He had a low count, abnormal morphology, and low motility. Every problem with Sperm you could have. We have it. I just wish he understood the risk. So I’m hopeful that the new analysis will shed some light on what we’re dealing with now. And I’m hoping the new RE can explain everything to us, but mostly him, to help us get to an informed decision by the end of the appointment.

Hubby promised me that January of 2018 we would start our process, no matter what that process is. Im hopeful that we can stick of that plan.

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*side note, it still crappy out, and it’s almost 1:00, come on weather man don’t let me down !!!*

One more quick story before I sign off for the day.

I work in a pediatric dental practice as a registered dental hygienist. I work in an affluent area of New Jersey, but my patients are all so very diverse. Yesterday, we had a sweet little boy come in for some treatment to be done. His Grandma had temp custody of him as a foster parent because his parents are in a bad way, messed up with drugs. Now because Grandma doesn’t have full custody, his mom had to come with him to give permission for treatment, and we needed paperwork signed for DYFS. It was my responsibility to be the witness to the paperwork. I called them in to my private room, went over the perspective treatment, and course of action. Mom was flying high as a kite. her eyes were going every which way, couldn’t focus on me at all. I asked her to sign the paperwork, and she was nodding off while I was talking to her. Meanwhile the whole time the sweet boy was hugging her, loving on her, and she was unphased. Im so upset by people that take their blessings for granted, and waste their lives so consumed with a poison that destroys so many lives.

I take addiction to heart, more than other people may, because I’ve been first hand affected by it. Luckily, that road ended years ago, and my loved ones are living a healthy life now, but it pains me to see the tragedy that is addiction, effecting the life of an innocent child, especially when there are people, such deserving people, who are aching for a child to raise and love, without hurting them like addiction causes.

That’s all I have for now,

xox, v

adventures in the life of an infertile woman

This title is probably deceiving, because my life is anything but fruitful in adventures. I spend every day basically the same. I go to work, I come home, conversate with a hand full of people, and go to sleep. Wake up and do it all again. Over this last month, my life has been a little…different. My aunt, whom I love dearly, has spent the last month with my husband and I whilst trying to navigate a new medical situation she is dealing with. Nothing was accomplished, and tomorrow, we’re dropping her off at the airport for her flight home.

So the last month that been a bit of a stray from my normal routine, and while I’m sad to see her go, I’m happy to get my life back to the way it was. Which actually scares me quite a bit…

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If I wanted my life back, after just having her here for a month, does that mean I’m not ready to be a parent? that thought shakes me to the core. As I’m sitting here, I want nothing more then to be a Mama, and I know that our whole lives would change drastically, but I’m willing to have that type of change because I feel like it’s the missing piece to our life puzzle. Maybe I’m just not ready to be a caregiver to an elderly sick person. IDK… what do you guys think?

Now on to appointments and such..

there haven’t been any

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YET!!

Hubby and I have discussed, again, another appointment. I want to have him come with me this time, I feel like he’ll get a better understanding and a feel for what it is really like, instead of me giving him second hand information. I was intouch with a different clinic that I was referred to by a few people, I just haven’t felt that connection to the other ones I had consultations with. I spoke with a coordinator and she said that the doc I need an appointment with is actually a founding partner, thats probably a good thing, right? He specialized in third party reproduction, which is for sure the route we are going.

With my POF, shitty egg quality, and Hubby’s gimp sperm; egg/sperm donation, or embryo adoption is the route in which we need to travel down.

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I feel most comfortable with embryo adoption. I feel like biologically we are doomed, and there are already these sweet snowflakes just waiting for a warm place to grow. I have that and i believe together we can grow something beautiful together. My husband is unsure what he wants in respect to our baby route, and when I try to ask him he always says he wants to talk about it later. He accepts my situation, and knows we can’t realistically try to use my eggs because the likelihood of a live birth is not at all in our favor, but I think he has a hard time letting go of the fact that his sperm aren’t of the best quality. I wish for his sake that I was the only problem here, but I’m not, and I want him to realize that we don’t need biology on our side, we just need love and faith to make our family.

Ive been researching embryo adoption NON STOP this morning, and the new clinic gave me their information on it as well. They have their own program, and they require psych evals and everything, so I’m very comfortable with that. But the one thing that blurry in the papers I’ve read, is of course, the financials.

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theres numbers spewed across the 29 page booklet, but no final determination of what it would be for me.

When you are receiving embryos, thats different than stimulating your own body to mature eggs, do a retrieval, then go through the whole lab process of fertilization. it can’t be the same price, can it?

if anyone has any insight on the financials,fill me in!

I have to run, duty calls, but I’ll check in soon!

xox, v

“Oh wow, that’s sucky”

Hello friends, happy Saturday. I got home from work a few hours ago, now I’m trying to catch a few rays but the sun keeps going in and out, so I guess what better time to grab the lap top and write a few words to the interweb. I’ll probably increase my crows feet by typing out in the sun, but oh well hehe…

Last week as you may recall, I had an annual with the GYN, a new GYN. When she came in to the room, we exchanged pleasantries, made uncomfortable by my obvious nudity under the pepto-bismol colored scratchy gown, and paper lap napkin. She seemed nice enough, so I figured I might as well let her do what she needed to do. She then started to ask about my medical history, and why I was currently on HRT. I told her my story; POF diagnosed 2 years ago, Estradiol transdermal patch and Provera 12 days a month, poor chances of conceiving in general, worse chance of live birth with my own eggs, you know, the usual water cooler conversation. You know what she said to me? “Wow, thats sucky”

PAUSE FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT

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THANK.YOU.DOCTOR.PACANA.

No shit it’s sucky, I’m the one dealing with it! but I have to say, I LOVED her candor. I really appreciate when I’m not given the usual responses following my infertility disclosure. you know the ones I’m talking about..

“Oh, they say that, but you never know, just relax it will happen” 

that’s okay because there are always other options to have a baby”

miracles happen you know, you’re a good person I’m sure it will happen to you”

my responses to those comments usually are the same with a little variation..

“actually, I do know, thanks though. you can’t physically make a baby with no egg, but ill relax now”

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“thank you, thank you, I didn’t know that babies comes from all over the place and will probably beg me to be their mama”

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“miracles miracles miracles…if miracles worked SO well, why are there starving children in Africa”

…but I digress….

My appointment no sooner ended and I was on my way home. Once again, reminded by the 3 pregnant women in the waiting room scheduling their next ultrasound and sharing pictures of their nursery that is “slowly turning from a dream into a reality”

Heres my reality, my refill for my patches and pills that is burning a hole in my back pocket, the $745.69 LabCorp bill sitting on my kitchen counter for the blood work to confirm that I was in fact a carrier for the Fragile X mutation, and the empty bedroom in the back of my house that my husband described to his friend the other day as “the baby’s room”

Let me apologize now if this post sounds rude, heartless, or bitchy, I’m PMSing, so that is my excuse right now, not that it is an excuse but it’s something that makes me angry.

Until next time,

xox..v

Checking in

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Hello world wide web…someone…anyone? I don’t know how many people read this nonsense I write when I sit on my couch alone.

I feel like every time I sit to write, I should have something profound to say, some significant update on treatment or appointments. But I don’t…maybe I should stop writing until we make moves in the fertility world, but I don’t want to stop because truly, these few entries have helped me just kind of sort through things.

I started reading “Every Drunken Cheerleader, why not me?” By Kristine Wilds 41zLV42rBlLover the weekend, its a really good book! One of her tips is to start a journal, which I guess this blog kind of is for me. So I’m going to keep going! maybe someone will be helped by what I say, maybe not, who knows! I suggest reading this book if you’re looking for some good, honest, straight advice. No sugarcoating.

So let’s see, what have I been up to? not much of anything honestly. Hubby and I went on a date night over the weekend, we talked about out plans. He is 100% against any kind of loan for treatment, which I understand but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept. Im the type of person that is so impatient and when I want something, I must have it now!!! (especially when someone tells me I can’t have it – i.e a baby because of infertility) he has always been the one thinking about our future finances, where I’m the one thinking about our future life, and what it will be. He sees children in the future of course, but he is not concerned as much as I am, about when that future starts. If it’s 10 years, he’d be just as happy. Me, no. I can’t see myself waiting 10 years for my children. But, if that is how long it takes, I will accept that, but I don’t want to wait to find out! 09bcd9209ba4ced28bf1cdf636dd3d72

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with a new gynecologist for my annual exam. I’m ashamed to say its been over 2 years since I’ve had an exam, with everything going on with the reproductive system, I’ve been so concerned with that, that I have let the “gateway” if you will, go ignored. So tomorrow I meet my new doctor, and maybe she will have some insights on this dreaded disease that I have yet to hear. While I was on the phone making my appointment, I could hear another receptionist speaking with someone else, she said “so you’re about 14 weeks” a few things ran through my head; 1 – wow this is so against HIPAA, and 2 – damnit I can’t even make an appointment without feeling like shit about myself. When I hung up the phone, I laughed because of my thoughts, what is wrong with me?! Self Pity party of 1?

I’ve made it my goal to NOT get worked up about other people’s life, that includes their blessings, heart aches, and pregnancies. Check back with me in a few weeks, I’ll let you know how I’m doing with that.

Time for me to go make dinner, I’ll check in soon!

XOX_logo_med, V

 

Sometimes, it’s okay to wait.

Do you ever wonder why we are always so rushed in our lives? I do. I wish I knew why. As humans, we need everything at a certain time, but for every person, that time might be a little different.

When I was little, I thought I would be married to my husband, with three kids, a house, a dog, and a career, by 25 years old. HA! you know what they say, God laughs when you have your plans.

When I reached 25 and wasn’t even engaged yet, I had a revelation; it just doesn’t matter. it will happen when it happens I told myself. So I gave up on my time line for the most part. I figured I already had the career, I can wait for the rest of the stuff. We got engaged in 2013, I was just about to turn 27. We got married about 17 months later, I had just turned 28.

if you remember from one of my first posts, I said that I found out about my infertility issues just 2 months after we got married, because I went to the doctor when AF had gone missing from my life for about 3 months at that point. When I walked out of the doctors office with my tentative diagnosis, and a week later when I got my official diagnosis, that “time line” creeped back up. “Holy shit, I’m 28,  I JUST got married, and I have no children. Now I CAN’T have children” plug in the dynamite, I needed to fix this STAT! But I couldn’t ‘fix’ anything. This is what MY BODY decided to do. This is what God planned for me.

I hate to think that God chose this path for me, because what a cruel path it is. It’s full of disappointments, heartache, and strain on my emotional well being, my marriage, and my finances. But would he have given me this problem if he didn’t believe he created me strong enough to get through it? I hope God knows my strength better than I do. Because sometimes I wake up and I don’t think I can do it.

I hate to sound like I’m defeated because I don’t feel defeated. I don’t feel like we have been through enough for me to be entitled to that feeling! honestly, we haven’t. We were diagnosed with infertility, yes, but we haven’t gone through endless cycles of medications, IVF’s, miscarriages, chemical pregnancies, and the like. I can say that’s not because we haven’t wanted to start, it’s because we can’t bring together the money to do it yet. It saddens me that infertility treatment has to be so unattainable for the common couple. Our insurance may as well be a joke, they will pay for every test to TELL us we’re infertile, but thats the end! it’s like “Here you go heres your problem now stew and dwell because we don’t care enough to treat it”

INFERTILITY IS A DISEASE. IT’S NOT A CIRCUMSTANCE. IT DESERVES TREATMENT TO FIX THE PROBLEM. 1 IN 8 ARE AFFECTED BY THIS DISEASE. IT’S TIME IT IS TREATED LIKE AND PAID FOR LIKE A DISEASE!

Until next time , thanks for following,

xo, v