Good afternoon friends, Saturday is here and it’s gloomy. Weather man says it should clear up in the next hour, I hope he’s right, I need some natural Vitamin D, it just brings me such happiness.
I feel like I’ve been so busy the last few weeks, that I’m really enjoying sitting here on the couch, with my coffee, my fur baby, and Nashville on the TV, and my laptop to help me get my feelings and emotions out to the inter web.
If you read my last blog, you see that my husband and I have an appointment next month with a new, and hopefully our final, RE. Last week we were driving out to celebrate my brother in law’s birthday, and I decided it was a good time to bring up the schedule of our appointment that the coordinator gave me. Hubs was cool with the outline, but he was kind of confused as to why it was going to be a 4 hour appointment, I explained it all to him and he was unphased. I don’t know how men, or at least my man, can be like that. I feel like infertility and our future family consumes my mind, body, and soul. Every single day all I do is think about it. But he seems like it’s just another thing, like the laundry or cleaning the bathroom. You know it’s there, you know it sucks having to deal with it, but it is what it is and you’ll do it eventually. Nope. Not me. All my google searches, Instagram hashtag searches, Pinterest boards, all infertility related. I’m beginning to think that part of my problem is my obsession with trying to beat this hellish disease.
So anyway, I told him that we need to be on the same page when we have out consultation with our new doctor. The last thing we need is to have conflicting answers to questions. The doctor will think we’re not serious about this, and we are! So I talk to him about what I feel like are our options. I Brought up Embryo Adoption, now mind you, this is NOT the first time I brought this up to him. He acted like he never heard of such a word and asked me what it entails. I explained the process, how people who are lucky enough to be able to use their own eggs and sperm have embryos created, and in the circumstance where they have more then they will ever need to use, they donate them to people like us who can’t or choose not to use their own eggs and sperm. So his response –
“I don’t know how comfortable I am with that”
WOW. HOLD THE PHONE…. I was taken aback. He had never said anything like that before. I said exactly that to him,
“since when? you knew we couldn’t use my eggs, and with your family history, we discussed that it’s probably not a good idea to use your sperm…”
Then he said it. Something I KNEW would eventually be a factor.
“How can I have a kid that will look nothing like me. No one will ever say ‘oh he looks just like your Dad'”
Cue waterworks. well internally anyway. I couldn’t mess up my makeup.
I said to him that I knew he say something like that, but that didn’t change our facts. I Brought up to him something he’s said to me in the past, that really infuriated me because he never would have said it if he did any of his own research. “Why would we spend so much money if theres a chance it won’t work. Why don’t we just adopt” He had nothing to say when I reminded him of that little comment (which ill add, only made me mad because he didn’t bother to research that fact that adoption is in many cases more than IVF treatment, and also isnt always 100% guaranteed to leave you with a child. And on top of that, THE KID WOULDN’T LOOK LIKE HIS DAD ANYWAY!)
*(If your wondering why my husband’s father is a topic of conversation at all, rewind a few blogs, and you’ll read about how he passed away recently due to cancer, which also took my husband’s mother 20 years ago)*
I don’t know if it’s wrong of me to feel hurt by his comment about biology, but I was. Because when I was first diagnosed with POF 2years ago, I had an EXTREMELY hard time dealing with the fact that my body had betrayed me, and I would never have a biologic child. He was as sensitive as I could have expected a man to be about it back then. He didn’t really understand it which may have been my fault for not forcing him to go with me to appointments, so his generic “It’s ok babe, we’ll figure it out, it will be okay” just had to be enough for me, I wasn’t going to get much more. Fast forward to today, where I have come to terms that my child will not share my genes, but I won’t give up on my dream of growing my baby in my belly. No matter what course of treatment we decide on.
So after that blowing comment, I decided to try to appeal to his instinct to be a good provider. I told him that based on the information I had, embryo adoption was showing to be about $5,000 LESS than the combination of egg donation, sperm donation (or ICSI with his sperm) and that according to the new RE Clinic, there was at least a 6 month wait for prescreened embryos (he is always more comfortable knowing it’s not something that is going to happen RIGHT AWAY). That made him think a bit, but it didn’t seal the idea of embryo adoption in his mind. So we decided to table the conversation for that night, and we agreed to pick it back up later. On Monday morning I called our new office and told her that we needed a new semen analysis, she gave me the information for the lab and informed me that he should do it before our September appointment so we have all information on that day. His last analysis was a long time ago, and while there are cryopreserved semen from 2009, they were very poor quality.
He had a low count, abnormal morphology, and low motility. Every problem with Sperm you could have. We have it. I just wish he understood the risk. So I’m hopeful that the new analysis will shed some light on what we’re dealing with now. And I’m hoping the new RE can explain everything to us, but mostly him, to help us get to an informed decision by the end of the appointment.
Hubby promised me that January of 2018 we would start our process, no matter what that process is. Im hopeful that we can stick of that plan.
*side note, it still crappy out, and it’s almost 1:00, come on weather man don’t let me down !!!*
One more quick story before I sign off for the day.
I work in a pediatric dental practice as a registered dental hygienist. I work in an affluent area of New Jersey, but my patients are all so very diverse. Yesterday, we had a sweet little boy come in for some treatment to be done. His Grandma had temp custody of him as a foster parent because his parents are in a bad way, messed up with drugs. Now because Grandma doesn’t have full custody, his mom had to come with him to give permission for treatment, and we needed paperwork signed for DYFS. It was my responsibility to be the witness to the paperwork. I called them in to my private room, went over the perspective treatment, and course of action. Mom was flying high as a kite. her eyes were going every which way, couldn’t focus on me at all. I asked her to sign the paperwork, and she was nodding off while I was talking to her. Meanwhile the whole time the sweet boy was hugging her, loving on her, and she was unphased. Im so upset by people that take their blessings for granted, and waste their lives so consumed with a poison that destroys so many lives.
I take addiction to heart, more than other people may, because I’ve been first hand affected by it. Luckily, that road ended years ago, and my loved ones are living a healthy life now, but it pains me to see the tragedy that is addiction, effecting the life of an innocent child, especially when there are people, such deserving people, who are aching for a child to raise and love, without hurting them like addiction causes.
That’s all I have for now,